Enablers

Why does it seem like that there are people who not only expect you to fail but seem to go out of their way to help you fail? These are never the people that you think would be like that. I don't understand the reasoning behind it. Are they more afraid than I am? Why do they want failure?

I seem to have two enablers in my life. One, I will freely admit is myself. I tell myself "NO" but I don't back it up. I have realized this but I am seriouly working on it. Instead of just saying "NO" I now tell myself the consequenses of my actions. I hope that works.

The second enabler is a problem. I can not push this person out of my life or distant myself from them. They are there everyday and there is nothing that I can do about it. I have to develop a tactic for dealing with this person. GROW A SPINE would be a good place to start.


SIDE NOTE: As I was writing this I could not help but notice how many sentences start with I. When I was in highschool they made us write a paper about ourselves but would could not start a single sentence with the word I. Try it. It's not easy.

NOT OKAY

I have not been doing well. I have only followed the diet about 50% of the time. I don't know why. I doing better now but it has been hard. I made fish one night. It was surprisingly good. I don't usually like fish. I think that I am going to try making spring rolls next.

I did go downtown on the 15th. I took the train and then walked the mile to the Art Institute. Beverly and I walked around a little and then had lunch at the Terrazo Piano restaurant in the Institute. I had a goat cheese stuffed lamb burger with onion jelly and fennel and apple slaw on top. It was very good. We then looked around some more. They have a section of miniature rooms which I loved. I want to see them again. After the museum Beverly walked with me to State St where we split up. I stopped at Borders and Starbucks on the way to the train. I wish that I had more time to look in the bookstore but if I missed my train I would have had a two hour wait until the next one.

FISH

I have bought salmon to have for dinner tomorrow night. I don't really like fish, it has a metalic taste to it, but everyone says thats because its not cooked proper.

Roberta told me that I should start with salmon. I am just going to do a simple pan method of cooking it with a little bit of butter. I was planning on have a nice salad with lots of fresh veggies. I bought a bag of stir fry veggies. I may just cook them and have it with the fish. It depends on how much cooking I feel like doing.

Hopefully I will like the fish. I get tired of the same old taste in my mouth. I want to experience different flavors.

I wonder how figs in a lettuce sald will taste with fish? That might be too much experimenting for one meal.

Not doing so good. I had a rough week. I kept sabotaging myself and I don't know why. I did accomplish some of the stuff on my list. I think that I am definitely going to have to go to OA or something. I need a weight loss partner. I need to learn to make myself accountable. Not an easy task.

I did finally break down and get myself a cell phone and a computer notebook. This was a very big deal. I am cheap and did not want to spend the money. I have been putting this off as long as I could but it was time. There was a small snow storm on Christmas Eve and as I was driving home from Roberta's I kept wishing that I had a phone in case I broke down. Now I just have to learn how to use everything.

On 01/15/11 I am taking the train downtown by myself. I am then walking by myself to the Art Institute. I have never done this alone. Over coming a fear this weekend! If all goes well this might be something to do on the weekends.

New Beginnings

This very minute I have decided to make changes in my life. I have always been afraid. I have tried to make changes before but have always sabotaged myself. This time I will not.

The motto for my change is going to be "BE BRAVE". I am taking this motto into every aspect of my life.

I was supposed to start a diet on January 3rd 2011 but I have already cheated more times than I can count. That is stopping today. I have realized that I can not do this on my own. I am going to join OA. I have never really believed in group sessions. It seems like a crutch; but maybe that is what I need. Someone or something to help support me when I fall.

I have also decided to start going through all the stuff in the house and get rid of things. I was going to try to sell it on Ebay but I think that I will try a garage sale first. That will be easiest. If I can't get rid of the physical junk in the house holding me back maybe I will have room to deal with the emotional stuff holding me back. They go hand-in-hand. That is probably why I have found it so hard to start clearing stuff out. Avoidance. Scary stuff.

Today is January 6, 2011. I am making a list tonight of everything that I want to accomplish in the next month. I will hang it up my refrigerator so that I can see it everyday and cross the items off as I finish them. When (not if) I have succeeded I will reward myself by doing something that I have wanted to do but haven't because it scares me. I haven't decided what that will be yet.

I will keep you appraised along the way.