Failure

I have failed at starting over from being a failure.  I will not let it daunt me though.  I will again start over because there really is no other choice.  I will be turning 50 soon.  If change is not made and soon, I will probably not live to see 60.  I often wonder if that is why I fail.  Self-fulfilled prophecy of doom.  If I succeed I will be forced to make other changes and accept things about myself that I don't really want to accept.  I can wear my weight as a mask so no one can see the real me.  I don't think that the "real" me is someone that people would want to know.  I can be selfish and hateful in my thoughts....I try not to let it come across in my deeds.  I can be short-tempered and intolerant.  These things make me hold people back at arms length.  It just seems easier that way.  If I lose the weight I will have no excuse for being an introvert.  Too much interspection.  Just get busy.

STARTING OVER

Failure.  I have faced that every single time I have tried to do something about my weight and life...but I keep trying.  I am joining Downsize Fitness.  It's a gym for fat people.  I am determined to succeed this time.  I feel that my life my depend on it.  I want so much but I am always afraid.  Failure is easy.  Success is scary.  I am not going to ask anyone to wish me luck because that already sounds defeatist.  Instead, please pray for me to have strength and determination.

EXERCISE

Walked to the parade from my niece's house.  Then walked back.  I had big plans for the entire day but just that walk wore me out so much I fell asleep.  All my plans fell to the wayside.  I have been doing good on my diet and stuff.  I just wish that I was noticing more of a difference.  It's seems like I have been what I think is good but nothing is happening.  It gets discouraging sometimes.  Trying to hold on.

ADDICTION

I am desperately craving cheetos.  I don't even really like them that much anymore but I want them badly.  I don't enjoy when I eat them.  But I have them almost every day.  Food addiction is just as bad and deadly as drug addiction.  You could say that you even shoot in the vein, inhale and pop it.  It leaves evidence on your body, marks, scars and a general look of misuse and bad health.  The only differences are a drug addict can stop taking his drug and recover and people want to help a drug addict.  A food addict has to have his drug to survive..can't go cold turkey and people don't want to help food addicts..they just want you to go away so they don't have to look.  

Passion

I was told that the best way to lose weight and keep it off is to "Find My Passion".  How?  How does a person begin to find their passion?  Where do I look?  Passion?  Is it just something that you love or can it be overcoming something fearful or something that you dread?  Could the sense of accomplishment be called passion?  Have you ever just sat down and tried to figure out what would fill you with passion?  What would you most enjoy doing?  ITS NOT EASY!  Passion in a singular sense.  Your own private passion.  I have spent so much time trying to figure out how to begin searching that I haven't even looked for it.  Did I loose it or just never had it?  PASSION! Um.

INERTIA KILLS

Nothing

I have been doing nothing. I have nothing to write about. I have not done anything interesting or even boring. And thats okay.

Sometimes you have to take a breathe.